A Magical Night
So, I nervously got dressed to go see Lemmy, once again in Connecticut, at Toad’s Place in New Haven. Still not in tune with the heavy metal aesthetic, I dressed in a flowered silk dress I’d made as a dance costume, which years later I wore dancing in Russia. Over the dress I wore a flowing silk velvet cloak I’d made for myself just because it was something I’d always wanted. It was wonderfully luxurious and when the wind whipped up it rippled and flowed like water in brook.
Once she was gone, Lemmy was enjoying the banter with the long haired young men gathered there. They were stringing offensive words together challenging each other to remember the lyrics of a song “Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother fucker, turd, twat, ” and laughing hysterically. “Young men, I thought. Adorable!
Lemmy wandered away from the group to ask a young girl what kind of work she did. When she told him that she worked as a shoe salesgirl, Lemmy said bluntly “ That must be pretty boring!”
“Well, yeah, it’s hardly exciting” she said, perhaps a bit deflated.
Returning to the young ones I watched as Lemmy shared his wit and his whiskey, and then breezed out of the room. As I waited uncomfortably watching everyone happily enjoying themselves being backstage with the legend, I wondered why I was there at all. Lemmy didn’t even seem to notice I was there.
“I’m just deluding myself if I think there is any kind of connection between me and Lemmy”, I thought. I should just slip out and face the cold hard fact that my love for Lemmy is all one-sided and will never be returned.
“Why am I here? It’s just a fantasy in my mind”
I decided I’d wait ten minutes or so and if Lemmy didn’t come back into the room I would just leave and when the ten minutes had past I walked out the door. As I walked down the hallway, there was Lemmy coming towards me. He stopped me and kind of backed me into a corner, his arm leaning against the wall behind me. He began with small talk. “How are you doing? he asked.
“Oh, I’m fine” I said as casually as I could manage, though I was trembling inside.
Lemmy looked away, as he said,” You know, people either love me or hate me, and mostly they hate me.” Then he zeroed in on my eyes and he said, “I know when someone really loves me”. I stared back at him… I had no response. He took my hand in his, as he had done the day I met him, and he said “ Come on, let me get you a drink” and he lead me back into the green room. We sat down at a round table by the door. He poured a Jack n’ Coke for me and for himself and offered me a cigarette.
“Thank you, I don’t smoke” I replied. He turned his attention to the vibrant young ones around us and I sat back and listened, thinking “I can die happy now” after hearing Lemmy acknowledge my love. I was in seventh heaven. At some point a handsome young guy with jet black waist length hair who looked to be Native American and had been part of the hilarity earlier grabbed the giant bottle of Jack Daniels and said to Lemmy “ Let’s go back to the bus with this whiskey and drink it all tonight!”
Lemmy’s reply was terse. “Well, I am going back to the bus, and I’m taking this bottle of whiskey with me, and I’m taking this girl too, but you won’t be coming! Come on Cyn” he said as he grabbed his cigarettes and the bottle and whisked me out the door.
On the bus in the back room Lemmy showed me his latest album, his art work and new writings. He didn’t even try to go beyond kissing me, respectful as he was that I was still married. He wanted to show me everything strewn about him, his music, his artwork, things he’d bought. It was just like it was in London more than twenty years ago, the way he entertained me with his interests, not to impress me, but to share himself with me.
Eventually someone from the crew came in to let us know that they would be heading out soon. Now, about two or three in the morning, I was ready to depart but I was concerned about walking alone in this area of New Haven in the middle of the night.
“Lemmy, would you mind walking me to my car? I asked.
He seemed a little put upon as he pointed out that he’d already taken his boots off, but when I said it was a dangerous area he gave in and slipped his unshod feet into some flip flops (still wearing flip-flops after all these years!) and we left the bus.
As we walked together down the middle of the road we were quiet. Just as I was thinking to myself “I can’t believe I’m walking down the road with Lemmy again” Lemmy spoke up and said” I can’t believe I’m walking down the road with Isadora Duncan!” I looked at him a bit shocked, wondering exactly what he meant, but I didn’t ask him. It was so strange that he said that just as I was thinking the same thing about being here with him. That will always be a mystery to me. I drove home in a state of enchantment thinking over everything that happened that magical night, and I will forever more be wondering what he was thinking when he said that to me.